Nobody Told Me I Could Ask: A Letter to the Woman Who Just Became a Christian

You're sitting in church and everyone around you seems to know what they're doing.

They know when to stand and when to sit. They know the words to songs you've never heard. They bow their heads during prayer with this peaceful expression while you're just... sitting there, eyes open, wondering if you're doing it wrong.

Someone mentions "quiet time" and you nod like you know what that means. Later you Google it.

The pastor references a Bible story - Jonah and the whale, David and Goliath, the woman at the well - and everyone chuckles knowingly at some point you don't understand. You smile along, but inside you're thinking, "I have no idea what any of this means."

After service, someone asks, "How's your walk with the Lord?" and you freeze. My what?

My walk? Is that a thing? Am I supposed to be walking somewhere?

If this is you, let me tell you something that might change everything:

You're not behind. You're learning. And that's exactly what you're supposed to be doing.

The Secret Language

When I talk to women who are new to faith, one of the most common things I hear is: "I feel like everyone else got a manual I didn't get."

And honestly? They did. But it wasn't a manual from God - it was a cultural playbook passed down through years of church tradition, and half of it isn't even in the Bible.

Here's what I mean:

• "Quiet time" = personal prayer and Bible reading (not in Scripture)

• "Walk with the Lord" = your relationship with God (not a biblical phrase)

• "Hedge of protection" = asking God to keep someone safe (not in the Bible)

• "Invite Jesus into your heart" = become a Christian (ask him to be in charge (not you)

I'm not saying these things are bad. I'm saying they're cultural. And when you're new, you don't know the difference between cultural tradition and biblical command.

So you think everyone else just innately knows how to "do faith right," and you're the only one struggling.

But here's the truth: Every single person who seems fluent in church culture was once exactly where you are. They just don't remember it anymore.

The Question I Wish Someone Had Given Me Permission to Ask

When I first came to faith - really came to faith, not just cultural Christianity - I was terrified to ask questions. ( I had sooooo many questions). 

Because questions felt like doubt. And doubt felt like failure.

So I nodded along. I pretended I understood. I Googled things in private. I felt stupid and behind and like maybe I just wasn't cut out for this.

Until I read Acts 17:11.

It's about a group called the Bereans, and here's what it says: "Now the Bereans were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true."

Did you catch that?

Paul - an apostle, someone with serious spiritual authority - was teaching them. And what did they do? They fact-checked him.

They didn't just accept what he said because he was in charge. They went to Scripture and tested it.

And the Bible calls them noble for doing this.

Not rebellious. Not faithless. Noble.

That's when I realized: Asking questions isn't weakness. It's faithfulness.

What You're Actually Allowed to Do

You're allowed to:

• Say "I don't know"

• Ask what words mean

• Admit you don't understand a Bible passage

• Question things that don't make sense

• Have doubts

• Need help

• Be a beginner

In fact, Jesus celebrated people who were honest about not knowing.

He chose fishermen, not theologians. He welcomed a woman caught in adultery instead of the religious experts who condemned her. He told His disciples (who asked ridiculous questions constantly) that the kingdom of God belongs to people who come like little children.

Little children ask questions. Little children say "I don't know." Little children are comfortable being beginners.

That's what Jesus wants. Not perfect understanding. Not flawless faith. Just honest presence.

The Tool: The "I Don't Know" Practice

This week, I want you to practice something that might feel scary: admitting when you don't know something.

Here's how:

Step 1: Notice when you're pretending. Pay attention to moments when you nod along but have no idea what's being discussed. When someone uses Christian vocabulary you don't understand. When a Bible reference goes over your head.

Step 2: Interrupt the pretending. Instead of smiling and moving on, try this phrase:

"I'm new to faith and I don't know what that means. Can you explain?"

Or:

"I'm not familiar with that story. Can you tell me about it?"

Or simply:

"I don't know."

Step 3: Notice what happens. Does the person respond with kindness? Judgment? Surprise? Just observe.

Most of the time, what you'll find is that people are honored you asked. Because your honesty gives them permission to be honest too.

Step 4: Practice this at least once this week.

In small group. In conversation after church. In a text to a Christian friend.

Admit you don't know something.

See what happens.

The Reflection: What Are You Afraid to Ask?

Get your journal. Or a notes app. Or just sit quietly with your coffee.

If you could ask any question about faith without fear of judgment, what would you ask?

Maybe it's:

• How do I actually pray?

• Why do bad things happen if God is good?

• What if I don't feel anything during worship?

• Is it okay that I have doubts?

• How do I know what the Bible means?

• What if I don't agree with what my church teaches about [issue]?

Write down your actual questions. Not the ones you think you're supposed to ask. The ones you're actually wondering about.

Now here's what I want you to know:

Those questions aren't evidence that you're doing faith wrong. They're evidence that you're engaging faith honestly.

And honest faith is always better than performed faith.

Why Being New is Actually a Gift

Here's something I've noticed in two decades of therapy with Christians:

The people who've been Christians the longest often have the hardest time with honest faith.

Because they've learned the language. They've memorized the answers. They know what they're "supposed" to say.

But sometimes that means they've stopped actually questioning. Stopped wrestling.

Stopped being curious.

You? You don't have that problem yet.

You're approaching faith with fresh eyes. You're asking questions veterans stopped asking years ago. You're noticing gaps and inconsistencies that familiarity has made invisible to others.

Your newness is a gift. Not just to you, but to the people around you.

Your questions make others think. Your honesty gives others permission to be honest.

Your beginner's mind reminds people what it's like to actually wrestle with God instead of just knowing about Him.

So please, don't rush through this stage. Don't try to fast-forward to "mature faith."

Stay curious. Stay questioning. Stay honest.

That's where real faith lives.

One More Thing

If you're reading this and you're new to faith and you're in Albuquerque, I want you to know: my therapy office is a space where questions are welcome.

You don't have to have it figured out. You don't have to perform certainty. You can be exactly where you are - confused, curious, questioning, doubting - and that's not only okay, it's beautiful.

Because faith that can't handle questions isn't faith. It's control.

And God isn't interested in controlling you. He's interested in knowing you.

Questions and all.

If you're navigating new faith and need a safe space to process, I'd be honored to walk with you. No judgment. No spiritual bypassing. Just honest exploration.

www.joyfulltherapy.com