After the Glass Broke: My Divorce Journey and What the Church Gets Wrong About Supporting Survivors
- joyfulltherapy
- Sep 19, 2025
- 10 min read
Last week I shared some of my journey. This is Part 2: From leaving abuse to rebuilding life—and the shame spiral that nearly destroyed me all over again
The night the glass shattered wasn't just my breaking point—it was my beginning. But what I didn't expect was how the aftermath would bring a different kind of hell, one wrapped in scripture and delivered with righteous concern by people who genuinely thought they were helping me find my way back to God's will.
Eighteen years ago, when I finally found the courage to say "enough," I thought the hardest part was over. I was wrong. What followed was a journey through divorce, financial devastation, and a scarcity mentality that would take years to heal—made infinitely worse by well-meaning believers who confused legalistic judgment with biblical love.
Today, as a therapist at JoyFULL Therapy, I see this story repeated constantly. Clients who survived abusive marriages only to be re-traumatized by their church's response to their divorce. The very community that should offer sanctuary becomes another source of shame, and the healing that should happen in the safety of God's love gets buried under human judgment and oversimplified theology.
The Reality of Leaving: When Safety Comes at a Price
When you leave an abusive marriage, especially as a woman with children, you don't just lose a relationship—you often lose everything. Your standard of living plummets. Your social connections disappear. Your sense of security crumbles. The person who controlled the finances, made the major decisions, and managed your external image is gone—and suddenly you're facing survival with skills you never had to develop and resources you never controlled.
For me, those early months after separation were a crash course in scarcity. I went from a two-income household to managing alone with children, trying to establish credit in my own name, navigating legal fees I couldn't afford, and making decisions about everything from car insurance to childcare arrangements. The overwhelm was suffocating.
But even harder than the practical challenges was the mental shift required. After years of being told your needs didn't matter, that asking for things was selfish, that good wives make do with less—suddenly you have to advocate for yourself and your children in ways that feel foreign and frightening.
The Scarcity Mentality: When Survival Mode Becomes Identity
The scarcity mentality isn't just about money—though that's certainly part of it. It's the deep belief that there isn't enough: not enough resources, not enough support, not enough goodness available to someone like you. It's the hypervigilance that comes from knowing how quickly everything can be taken away.
I remember standing in grocery stores, calculating and recalculating, putting items back, always aware that one unexpected expense could derail everything. I remember the anxiety of every minor car problem, every school activity that cost money, every invitation I had to decline because I simply couldn't afford it.
But the scarcity went deeper than finances. It was:
The belief that I didn't deserve help or support
The fear that if I asked for too much, people would abandon me
The constant worry that I was somehow taking resources from more deserving people
The shame of needing assistance when I'd always been self-sufficient
The exhaustion of never feeling like there was enough time, energy, or emotional bandwidth
This scarcity mindset becomes a prison. You make decisions from fear rather than wisdom, settle for less because you don't believe you deserve more, and exhaust yourself trying to prove you're worth the space you take up in the world.
This scarcity mindset becomes a prison. You make decisions from fear rather than wisdom, settle for less because you don't believe you deserve more, and exhaust yourself trying to prove you're worth the space you take up in the world.
Just when I needed community most, the church response often made everything worse. Instead of sanctuary, I found judgment. Instead of grace, I encountered legalistic formulas that ignored the complexity of my situation.
The Shame Spiral: "Good Christians Don't Divorce"
The messages came in many forms, but they all carried the same weight:
"Have you truly forgiven him? Because holding onto bitterness will poison you."
"God hates divorce. Are you sure you've exhausted every option?"
"Your children need their father. Don't let your hurt damage them."
"This is a chance for God to show His healing power in your marriage."
"Maybe this trial is meant to develop your faith and patience."
"Are you sure you're not running away instead of trusting God?"
Each question, each suggestion, each "loving concern" felt like another weight added to the shame I already carried. The implication was clear: if I were more faithful, more forgiving, more trusting in God's ability to change hearts, then I wouldn't need to take this drastic step.
The Legalistic Response vs. Gospel Grace
What I experienced was legalism masquerading as biblical counsel—rigid rules and formulas applied without understanding, wisdom, or genuine love. This legalistic approach:
Prioritized the institution over the individual: Keeping marriages together became more important than keeping people safe.
Used scripture as weaponry: Verses were pulled out of context to support predetermined conclusions rather than seeking God's heart for hurting people.
Applied universal formulas to unique situations: Complex problems got oversimplified solutions that ignored trauma, safety, and individual circumstances.
Confused enabling with forgiveness: I was encouraged to "trust God" by returning to dangerous situations rather than setting healthy boundaries.
Made me responsible for someone else's choices: The burden of "making the marriage work" was placed on me rather than expecting accountability from the person causing harm.
The Language of Harm
I learned to recognize the subtle language that sounds spiritual but actually causes damage:
"God can heal any marriage" (implies that divorce means you didn't believe enough)
"Children need both parents" (ignores the damage of exposing children to abuse)
"You're being bitter/unforgiving" (shames natural responses to betrayal and harm)
"This is spiritual warfare" (makes abuse about demons rather than choices)
"Trust God's timing" (used to keep people in harmful situations indefinitely)
"Think about your witness" (prioritizes appearances over authenticity and safety)
The Generalized Advice That Missed the Mark
Well-meaning people offered generic spiritual platitudes that revealed their lack of understanding about trauma and recovery:
"Just give it to God" - As if faith meant becoming passive rather than actively participating in my own healing and safety.
"God will provide" - While sometimes true, this was often used to dismiss legitimate concerns about practical needs and planning.
"Everything happens for a reason" - A phrase that minimizes real suffering and can make people feel guilty for struggling with their circumstances.
"You're stronger than you think" - While meant to be encouraging, this often felt like pressure to handle everything alone without support.
"At least..." followed by some way my situation could be worse - Comparison that invalidated my actual experience and feelings.
These generalized responses, while meant to comfort, actually increased isolation. They suggested that my specific struggles weren't worth understanding and that generic spiritual truths should be sufficient for complex human problems.
What the Church Gets Right: When Support Actually Helps
Not every church response was harmful. Some individuals and communities got it beautifully right, and their approach made all the difference:
Practical Support Without Shame
The people who truly helped didn't just pray for me—they showed up practically:
Bringing meals without asking what I needed them to do differently
Offering childcare without lectures about co-parenting with an abuser
Helping with moves, car repairs, and other practical needs
Contributing to legal fund collections organized by friends
Providing job references and networking connections
Emotional Presence Without Fixing
The most healing support came from people who:
Listened without trying to solve or advise
Validated my experience rather than questioning my perceptions
Sat with my pain without rushing me toward "healing"
Asked what I needed rather than assuming they knew
Followed my lead on what kind of support felt helpful
Spiritual Encouragement Without Guilt
The church leaders who truly ministered to me:
Reminded me of God's love without conditions attached
Spoke about God's heart for justice and protection of the vulnerable
Prayed for my safety and wisdom rather than for reconciliation at any cost
Helped me understand that sometimes love requires boundaries
Supported my healing journey without timelines or expectations
What I've Learned About Supporting Divorce Survivors
Now, as a therapist specializing in relationships and trauma, I've learned what truly helps people navigating divorce, especially after abuse:
Acknowledge the Complexity
Divorce, especially from abusive relationships, isn't a simple choice between good and evil. It's a complex decision involving safety, children's well-being, financial survival, legal realities, and countless other factors. Simplistic spiritual advice ignores this complexity.
Understand Trauma Responses
People leaving abusive relationships are often dealing with trauma symptoms that affect decision-making, emotional regulation, and trust. Their responses may seem irrational to outsiders but make perfect sense given what they've endured.
Common trauma responses include:
Hypervigilance and anxiety about safety
Difficulty trusting their own judgment
Overwhelming fear about the future
Shame about needing help
Emotional numbness or overwhelming emotions
Physical symptoms like insomnia, headaches, digestive issues
Recognize Systemic Issues
Individual marriage problems often reflect larger systemic issues:
Economic inequality that makes leaving financial abuse difficult
Legal systems that don't adequately protect victims
Cultural messages that prioritize marriage preservation over individual safety
Religious teachings that can be misused to justify harmful behaviors
Support the Process, Not the Outcome
Instead of advocating for a particular outcome (reconciliation vs. divorce), focus on supporting the person's ability to make wise, safe decisions for themselves and their children.
How Churches Can Actually Help
For Church Leaders:
Education and Training:
Learn to recognize signs of domestic violence and emotional abuse
Understand trauma and its effects on brain function and decision-making
Develop partnerships with local domestic violence organizations
Train staff and volunteers in appropriate responses to disclosure of abuse
Policy Development:
Create clear protocols for responding to reports of abuse
Establish boundaries around marriage counseling when safety is at issue
Develop safety planning resources and procedures
Ensure child protection policies address domestic violence concerns
Theological Reflection:
Examine how biblical teachings about marriage, submission, and forgiveness are presented
Consider how church culture might inadvertently protect abusers
Develop nuanced understanding of when divorce might be the most loving choice
Create space for honest discussion about difficult marriage and family issues
For Community Members:
Listen More, Advise Less:
Ask, "How can I support you?" instead of offering unsolicited advice
Validate their experience rather than questioning their perceptions
Follow their lead about what kind of support feels helpful
Avoid spiritual platitudes that minimize real struggles
Practical Support:
Offer concrete help with childcare, transportation, meals, housing
Connect them with professional resources (legal aid, counseling, financial planning)
Help with job searching, skill development, or educational opportunities
Assist with practical tasks like moving, organizing, or home repairs
Long-term Commitment:
Understand that recovery from abuse and divorce takes years, not months
Continue support even when the crisis phase passes
Celebrate small victories and progress
Maintain relationship without trying to fix or change
The Scarcity Mentality: Healing What Abuse Damaged
Learning to move from scarcity to abundance thinking was one of the hardest parts of my recovery. Abuse teaches you that:
Your needs don't matter
Resources are limited and conditional
You must earn love and support through performance
Asking for help is selfish or manipulative
You don't deserve good things
Healing required gradually learning new truths:
My needs are valid and important
There is enough love, support, and provision in God's economy
I am worthy of help simply because I'm human
Healthy relationships involve mutual support
God desires good things for His children, including me
This shift didn't happen through positive thinking or spiritual disciplines alone. It required:
Therapy to address trauma and rebuild self-worth
Community that consistently showed unconditional love
Practical experiences of provision and support
Time to develop new neural pathways and thought patterns
Spiritual direction that emphasized God's grace over performance
What Actually Helps: Evidence-Based Support
Trauma-Informed Approaches
Support that truly helps understands how trauma affects every aspect of a person's functioning and responds accordingly:
Safety First: Physical and emotional safety must be established before other work can begin.
Trustworthiness: Relationships must be transparent and consistent to rebuild capacity for trust.
Choice and Control: People need to regain sense of agency over their own lives and decisions.
Cultural Responsiveness: Support must account for individual backgrounds, values, and circumstances.
Collaboration: Recovery happens through partnership, not through someone else taking control.
Practical Recovery Elements
Financial Empowerment:
Budgeting and financial literacy education
Credit repair and establishment
Career counseling and job training
Legal aid for divorce proceedings
Assistance accessing benefits and resources
Emotional Healing:
Individual therapy specializing in trauma and abuse recovery
Support groups with others who understand the experience
Spiritual direction that integrates faith and healing
Medical care for trauma-related physical symptoms
Stress management and self-care skill development
Social Reconnection:
Help rebuilding social networks damaged by isolation
Parenting support to address children's needs
Dating education when ready to consider new relationships
Community involvement opportunities
Mentoring relationships with others further in recovery
Moving From Survival to Thriving
Eighteen years later, I can say with confidence that abundant life is possible after abusive marriage and traumatic divorce. But it requires the right kind of support—support that sees the whole person, understands the complexity of the situation, and offers grace rather than formulas.
What Thriving Looks Like:
Financial: Learning to make decisions from wisdom rather than fear, building security through planning rather than just surviving crisis to crisis.
Emotional: Developing healthy relationships based on mutual respect and genuine intimacy rather than control or codependence.
Spiritual: Understanding God's love as unconditional and abundant rather than performance-based and scarce.
Physical: Caring for my body as something worthy of attention and care rather than just a vessel for serving others.
Relational: Engaging in friendships and community from wholeness rather than desperation or obligation.
For Those Walking This Path Now
If you're in the midst of leaving an abusive marriage or struggling through the divorce process:
Your decision to leave was brave, not selfish. Choosing safety for yourself and your children takes tremendous courage.
Your trauma responses are normal. The anxiety, hypervigilance, and emotional overwhelming make perfect sense given what you've endured.
You deserve support without conditions. People who truly love you will help you without requiring you to justify your choices or timeline.
Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself as you rebuild your sense of safety and worth.
God is not disappointed in you. The same God who freed the Israelites from slavery desires freedom for you from abuse.
You are not too much. Your needs, feelings, and struggles are not burdens—they're part of your humanity.
Abundant life is possible. Even when survival mode feels permanent, there is hope for thriving on the other side.
How JoyFULL Therapy Supports Divorce Recovery
At JoyFULL Therapy, we understand that leaving abusive relationships and navigating divorce requires specialized support that integrates faith with evidence-based practice.
Our Approach:
Trauma-Informed Care: We understand how abuse affects brain function, decision-making, and relationships, and we respond accordingly.
Safety-Focused: We always prioritize your physical and emotional safety over preserving relationships.
Faith-Integrated: We help you understand how your faith can support your healing rather than creating additional shame.
Individualized: We recognize that every story is unique and requires personalized approaches rather than generic formulas.
Systemic Understanding: We address not just individual symptoms but the broader systems that may have contributed to or maintained harmful patterns.
We Specialize In:
Recovery from emotional, spiritual, and domestic abuse
Trauma therapy using EMDR and other evidence-based approaches
Divorce recovery and co-parenting after abuse
Financial anxiety and scarcity mindset healing
Rebuilding identity and self-worth after abuse
Supporting children through family transitions
Spiritual direction that promotes healing rather than shame
Ready to Move From Surviving to Thriving?
If you're ready to stop just surviving and start truly healing from abuse and divorce trauma, JoyFULL Therapy is here. We provide specialized support that honors both your faith journey and your need for evidence-based healing.
You don't have to walk this journey alone.
✨ Schedule your FREE 30-minute consultation: https://calendly.com/joyfulltherapy/30min
Because you deserve support that sees your strength, honors your story, and helps you build the abundant life God desires for you.
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